Partnerships (Sociology)

“[most] boys are logical and girls are magical [in their mindset] – the behaviors are complementary & its nature’s design” ~ TheVIP

“looking for an honest person …”

let me begin this by sharing a fact … between the age of 6 & 8, most  children start to manipulate the facts; & its natural as they go thru pressure in school keeping up with all the activities their parents want them to handle; friends circle challenges; & on top of that issues between the parents; so, they will sense their parent’s mood and answer accordingly … they try to give you an answer that they think will not upset you … & it all starts with light jokes, such as dog ate my homework ..!

anyone who has worked in a corporate environment lies – you lie to your boss, your coworkers, your employees all the time & in reverse, management lies to workers all the time & big time … most successful people, including Bill Gates, became successful by using dishonestly at one time or another in their career.

further, since i had lot of free time in my life (as of mid 2015), i  decided to study & analyze matrimonial profiles to study human behavior; e.g. find patterns about what girls look for when searching for a life partner (haven’t started looking into boys’, yet!) … & one thing that i found frequently in girls profiles is that they look for “an honest person.”

follow this conversation between a girl & a boy:

      boy: what are you looking in a man ..?

      girl: i am looking for an honest person.

      boy: your face is pretty, but the nose is bit weird.

      girl: hey, you are really honest ..!

      boy: is there anything wrong with that ..? 

you can imagine rest of the conversation, depending on whether the girl is a normal (irrational) or a rational person ..!

there are none .. zero honest people on this planet … take a guess &  before you do that, include yourself in the data set .. at least i don’t  know any successful & honest person … & i am sure girls will not be okay marrying unsuccessful boys, although they don’t write about this fact specifically in their profiles.

then i thought about at the other end as an extreme, how to find honest people & realized that they only exist in mythology, like Karna in Mahabharata;  btw, there is only one character like him in the whole epic .. or maybe few characters in old Hindi movies, but they are all fictitious, you can’t marry them ..! 

so the question is “how many honest people are there in this world, if at all they exist …?” 

and the answer is None, but the irony is that most girls look for them, and end up getting into a relationship thinking she found one.

then the question arises, who’s is a dishonest person in this relationship ..?

let me share another perspective, which i found somewhere else (not based on my own research)

children lying is actually a sign of cognitive development … children with sound cognitive function development have better lying skills. Lying in children may be a manifestation of premature wisdom; these people are  more likely to become leaders after they grow up … interesting ..!

“i am a God fearing person …”

here is another line that i find frequently in girl matrimonial … “i am a God  fearing person” … and i wonder if people understand the meaning of this sentence or they use it just because everyone else is using it.

are the Gods (specially the Indian Gods) designed to be feared ? or they are there, so we learn something from them ..?   Should we fear Ma Sarasawati – Goddess of knowledge & wisdom ..? or should we fear Ma  Lakshmi – Goddess of wealth … Kali is a different matter, but even there Kali’s context is power and power can be used for good as well as  bad purposes … & if you are on the good side, you have nothing to fear.

think about it .. if you still wanna be a God fearing person ..!

how to turn a man into an a**hole – a logic based approach ..!

there is a lot that can be learned about a person by just reading their [relationship] profile .. since i have gone through the men’s  profile, yet .. i can only comment on women’s  .. but the same process can be  applied to men’s.

here is a typical list of priorities in a women’s profile :

 1) my kids [if she has them]

 2) my family [since she still loves them]

 3) my friends [because she can’t live w/o them]

 4) my job/career [of course, she can’t survive w/o one, & is ambitious]

 5) my future education [which she never got when it was time]

 6) my God [of course, God has been the main support since she became single]

 7) my dog/cat [ because her dog/cat is the only good listener in her life] 

 8) etc . etc.

& if this is a real conversation, i ask her where would the boyfriend be  in her list of priorities .. & she will take a deep pause to say  something like this, should he be on the list ..? ..  rather shouldn’t  she be in his priority list ..? 

at this moment, i would react to say “aha” … so the man in your life  doesn’t even get a seat on the table … that poor guy has a lower  priority than your dog/cat and seem to be standing by the side of the  table … technically, i see his role as a donkey with zero (lowest)  priority in her list .. he does some lifting around the house, doing  handyman jobs etc.

do you know a three letter word for a donkey which starts with an “a” …  augment it with a zero [priority] – same as hole … & you have  successfully turned a man into a****** — of course, there are exceptions to this …!

the point of this story is that relationships last as long as the other person stays at the top of your priority list .. & as time progresses, it is natural that people’s priority change & hence the relationships die … so before you start looking a new one, be clear on  your priorities.

it’s complicated ..!

its the theme of a six seasons serial named Nashville, which is about human behavior & relationships, & my second most favorite serial in English .. first one, of course is Billions – both happened to be my research topics ..!

Nashville is written, directed & produced by Call Khouri – a women, and is a women centric drama close to lives of people associated with music in Nashville & relationships among them.

i understand that both men and women create problems in their own and others lives based on the choices they make … however, the problems that men create are “simple” which have easier solutions, whereas the problems created by women are “complicated” … which not only affect them but also the people around them and those problems may last over generations .. which is the theme of this serial ..!

funny there is already a line on my site which I came up with several years ago that complicated problems can’t be solved … if possible, try to reduced them to simple problems, which may or may not be solvable ..!

& you may say that its a man’s biased opinion ..!

 

love or arranged marriage …?

 i saw a video on You tube where they asked the current generation in India, if they would prefer a love or arranged marriage ..?
 

& the response from both boys and girls was equally divided .. but  just about everything else, i always question the question, first ..? do people really understand the question ..?

shouldn’t the question be, “whether you prefer to find your life partner  yourself, or with the help of a third-party, including your parents  ..?”

because to me, love & marriage are not mutually exclusive, if there  is no love, there is no marriage – a love-less marriage or a dead relationship –  first the two people need to enjoy each others company,  & they end up loving each other to what the other person does, and then only there is a possibility of a marriage & not in reverse …!
 

maybe that’s what they mean when they define an arranged marriage in India – a love less marriage ..!  

everyone has a mission .. or a softer version would be .. everyone has his/her own priorities.

 there is nothing wrong in having a mission or a set of priorities .. it is just how honest you are sharing them when you are in a relationship …  & it becomes further complicated when you are not aware of them yourself consciously .. i.e. you are focused on something without even being aware of it.

every new member who joins an organization (family, business, etc.) comes with a personal mission or a set of priorities … you may be an  employee of a company or a member of the family or a partner in a  relationship, but only some of us choose to share it & being open  about it, while others keep it inside them and play the game, as they say “go with the flow” … those who keep their mission hidden are the  most dangerous, because it will really hurt you, as you will discover their priorities in due course of time.

in the corporate world, most people hide their personal mission, and therefore, the human resources are not used effectively .. rather, why not take a contrarian view and make your mission public and that way a right person is assigned to the right job and things will go .. as they are supposed to … but something like this is never going to happen in this world ..!

“secret of successful marriage – wife is always right” ..?

it is a common phrase and i have heard it numerous times, even from some of the intellectuals … & when i do, an immediate reaction that  comes out of me is “God bless you .. enjoy your slavery” 

how can you live in a relationship where the basis of it is that you need  to make sure the other person is happy telling her that she is “always right” i.e. to save the relationship at all costs or you are denied your happiness ..!

conflicts are nothing but difference in goals/objectives for a shared resource

as two individuals build a relationship they would have some shared resources .. however, if the individuals don’t share a common vision or approach (execution), a conflict will arise … hence, it is really important to set who will be the decision maker in case of a conflict, which should be based on expertise and accountability .. & not to be resolved through democratic or political mechanisms.

Sadhguru explains conflict in much better way … as he say that it is difference in belief of two people .. when both believe that they are right, but the funny thing is both are talking about their believes and not reality/facts; hence, the one who has the vision and is willing to take accountability should lead the effort.

relationships are like joint bank accounts …

you can either make a deposit i..e what can i do for the other person &  your contribution goes into the account and if both parties do so, the  accounts remains full; OTOH, if each person starts looking like what do i  get or how can i get something out from the account; the account becomes empty .. & you end up closing the account due to maintenance fees.

recently, i saw a scene as part of a serial on Netflix where a husband and wife arguing about their individual contribution to their marriage and the woman makes a claim – “i gave you a son” …  & i say really, “do you produce a son for your husband or to enjoy as a family  ..?” 

& that’s where i rest my case.

relationships stay healthy as long as the nature is cooperative and turn bad when it is competitive

in a relationship, each party gets something in return … so you should better know your value proposition & validate it from time to time … otherwise, the relationship won’t last & will fall apart as soon as the escape criteria of one of the partner is met .. hence, keep a checklist to keep a real relationship.

the second part of the statement pertains to situation when we build a new relationship, we find something positive that we admire in other person,  so it starts as cooperative and stays that way as long as you maintain that positive attitude towards the other person; however, at some point, your admiration turns into your own insecurity, self-doubt & possibly into jealousy … & all these traits turn one into competitive mode i.e. entering into the other person’s domain rather than focusing on your own strengths; i.e. overstepping into the boundaries of the other person, which turns into a conflict and finally results into separation. 

talking in business terms, although competition helps the consumer (a third  party) but it hurts the businesses (principals) competing with each  other – like the tale of two cats and the monkey … in an ideal situation & if you are allowed, you would want to run a monopoly like Google .. in conclusion, competition in a relationship is a bad strategy [for principals], and if possible, you should quit even at the expense of relationship because the longer you stay in it, the more it is going to hurt you.

men are from Mars and women are from Venus …

i am sure you are familiar with this title/book even if you haven’t read it …  the fact is that each person / individual is perfect in himself / herself .. because you are a outcome of the work done by nature over millions of years .. so you are perfect in your own way. 

so is a cat and a dog .. but can you put a cat & a dog together, chosen randomly ..? 

similarly, even though a man & a woman are both part of human species, but they are two different animals .. it is upon those two individuals to decide whether they want to live together or not ..? & there is no way a third party / counseling service can help .. the key is you don’t wanna change anything about the other person … rather, it’s a take it or leave it scenario …!

but as they say, if one doesn’t work, there is lot of fish in the sea … but please, for both of your sake, don’t think that you can change an iota of the other person because each person is an outcome of millions of years of evolution, plus a few decades living in a given environment .. & the more you try to change the other person, more frustrated you become each day & end up bursting yourself one day .. 

bottom-line, it’s too difficult for a person to change his/her behavior on demand … think about it ..!

in most cultures, marriage is defined as till death do us part ..

which simply means that there is no exit clause … then why do courts allow a no cause divorce … the only case to dissolve a marriage would be if one of the partner turns out or becomes a criminal, and in that case, the legal authorities will put him/her away anyway .. & the other partner keeps the whole.

marriage, as define by law, is a flawed concept, and as such this word should be removed from dictionary, & should be replaced by a “relationship contract”  … after 25 years of marriage, Jeff & Mackenzie Bezos are getting a divorce [Jan 2019] … the news bothered me so much that i couldn’t focus on trading that day and took time to write about it …  how can someone divorce the richest, smartest, handsome person & a gentleman – as he is willing to share the half w/o a contest – on this planet is beyond me ? i am sure, as a man, he has his own flaws & expectations, but who doesn’t ..? 

but given all that, IF the situation can become so unbearable that two people can’t live together, then the concept of marriage should be vanished .. strong, huh ..!

in the eyes of law, & now humans as well, marriage is simply a contract, with no commitment, which can be broken by simply saying “not interested..!”  as you would when standing in the return line of Costco, so why don’t we call it as such ..!

in my opinion (not per dictionary or law), marriage is a union which means that two become ONE [& till death do us part]; so, i don’t understand the concept of splitting .. to me, its either 100 or zero .. & both signify ONE … so here is my simple solution to divorce, if needed:

1)  if something is dear to you, keep it separate, which you do anyway, like your body, your mind, your thoughts .. maybe few other things

2)  things that you build together, stay ONE, and the partner who wants to leave union does so leaving everything behind .. it’s his / her choice … there is no splitting as it was built as ONE and it must stay as ONE .. when you build a house, do you build as my portion and your portion .. if not, how can you suddenly suggest selling it and splitting into half … this will make the partner, leaving the union, think not only twice, but many times.

so how does a marriage /relationship look from a man’s perspective …?

well, the women’s version will come at a future time, but here is the reality from man’s perspective …

in old days, in Europe as well as India, marriages were made to build an alliance between two kingdoms (like Akbar & Jodha or between French and British kings & queens) so there is specific agenda behind it such as harmony or expansion of empires, etc.  the bride and the groom had little choice in those decisions; so, after the marriage, the individuals look for their plan B; hence an industry is developed to fulfill those needs at all levels ..  in modern world, say last 100 years, those kingdoms have been replaced by the big businesses, those who still operate on this old modus operandi; i.e. marriage is done to build or expand businesses; hence the plan B industry is flourishing big-time.

now let’s look the relationship from an ordinary man’s perspective (not kings & queens or super rich):

IF a man is rich (financially) there is a good chance that he is lacking something, possibly he is not prince charming or he lacks physical attraction etc. so, what he is looking in a relationship for someone who can compensate for his deficiencies .. & in real world, we call her a trophy wife .. something he wins over others and feels good about it & is willing to compensate for that by taking care of her needs … it is a common and prevalent practice among rich men.

else IF a man is poor & likely has his charm (so called prince charming), then he is looking for a girl who can support him financially, and the girl gets the charm of the man in return (like the phrase, can you make me laugh? .. sure, but it ain’t gonna be free … really, you sure you are not looking for a comedian..!).

else IF a man is an intellectual (well qualified and has a good paying job & financially stable) then he is looking for companionship, who can contribute equally in the relationship, in terms of personality, charm, qualifications, earnings, household chores, etc.  so called 50-50 relationship .. but that’s where it becomes a contention as the 50-50 relationships get out of balance quickly … the moment, one of them start comparing who is doing more like she believes that she is doing more chores and he believes he is making more money .. it becomes an end-less argument, as there are no right answers .. & both are comparing melons to bananas.

finally, if none of the above applies, a man is simply looking a companion to help him with food and sex .. & since in this modern world, the food part is mostly outsourced, the only remaining reason to have a relationship between man and woman is sex .. & then i wonder, why it’s so hard for a woman to understand, when she says on a match-making site, “i am not here for sex, or I don’t want to get in a relationship if you are looking for sex ..!”  & the man would say (or least thinks in his mind) why else i would want this relationship (assuming none of the above scenarios apply) …   it’s so simple from man’s perspective!

& if she is not here for sex, it must be free food for her …!

& then there is love .. well, that’s a complicated matter, since it’s mostly a function of time & emotions, unless what they call is eternal love, which stays in romantic novels/stories ..! 

now what a women look for in a relationship is a really complicated subject & will require for me to do lot more research … & i will be back some day ..!

relationship between a man & woman as a couple is all about chemicals …!

nature has created a special relationship between a man and woman, who are attracted to each other .. & pursue to build a relationship as a couple .. the attraction between them is all due to chemicals developed in each other’s body (aka hormones, more appropriate term).

so the outcome is based weather the chemicals / hormones develop or not .. OR they develop at some point and stop developing later … & there are various things that may lead to development of those chemicals like look, wealth, status, fame, intelligence, etc. …  being attracted to someone is a state of one’s mind .. or specifically, what stimulates one’s mind.

& it’s not that nature has given a choice to man or woman to have a control on production of those chemicals (hence the phrase, “Blame it on Rio – the movie”), unless of course, you are a master of Yoga … & nature has done it for its own survival & growth .. how selfish ..?  … as Sadhguru says, “no one will be born unless someone becomes horny” which is a state of mind based on chemicals developed … so nature has designed it for its own survival.

bottom-line, a relationship between a man and a woman as a couple is all about the chemicals, which brings them together and requires no certification, called marriage. OTOH, a couple may stay in marriage, even if the chemicals no longer develop, but it’s a dead marriage. 

what does it take to build a successful relationship besides having the chemical reaction

for a relationship between a man and a women, it’s simply the priorities for each one of them as individuals … for a relationship to be successful and last long, each one of you must be the top priority of the other as the relationship is formed … once the two individuals become one as family, the family will have its own priorities like kids, career, money, dogs/cats etc .. but as individuals, the other person must be on the top of the list … now there may be an extended family in some cultures, which is fine too, but they have to join this family;  i.e. align themselves with the priorities of the these two individuals, & not come with their own agenda; otherwise everything will fall apart.

this thought can also be used in corporate context .. for a corporation and an employee to build a successful relationship, both should have the other as their top priority (for employee the context is career) and for an organization it’s their employees (even above its customers) .. numerous management research have proved that the companies which treat employees as their top priority achieve higher customer satisfaction, better profitability and ultimately shareholders returns … like Southwest Airlines. 

relationships should be built keeping the secrets ..!

sounds strange, huh ..! 

let me walk you through a scenario … a CEO of a  company interviews a potential COO candidate and ask him a simple  question, “why do you want to join the company ..?

candidate replies: “so that you are fired and i take your position..!” and you can imagine how the rest of the interview will go.

my point is you can ask people as many questions as you like before building a relationship, but most likely, they will never tell you a truthful answer to the most important question .. “why do they wanna  build the relationship in first place ?” … beyond obvious answers, like “i am looking for a job so i can pay my bills or build a career,  whatever”… so if the respondent doesn’t tell you the truth, what’s the point in asking … therefore, when i build a relationship, i  specifically mention to the person, ” You keep your secrets and I keep mine, and if you want to share something voluntarily, please do so, as you wish” 

& for me,  whatever i want to share is already there on this site, which is more than anyone has time to read ..  and if it’s not there, i don’t want to share with anyone … like, how much capital i manage ? or my annual returns ? & people expect me to tell the truth … really ..!

another scenario: asking a women why doesn’t she want to build a relationship with you and expect a truthful answer … e.g. why she married you even though she was never in love with you all along … the truth will come out some day, but most likely you will be in a court room … so why even ask ..!

having said that, the information that is shared voluntarily is most accurate and complete … rather than asking for information, it should be offered by the opposite party, as relevant … & now you know why i have written everything about me on this site … & don’t ask questions, in general ..!

in any relationship, there is always a dominating character, no matter how hard you try to balance

i.e. there are no partnerships of equals …  there is always one is dominating and the other person dominated based on who does/produces more action … let me start with a simple example, between stock market and a trader, it’s the market (her) who will always dominate on you, no matter how hard you try … so don’t even think about it, let alone trying … a better option would be divided the task and take lead based on the role.

in a corporate context, although all the dept. get the same level on an org. chart, the one who generates revenue will dominate; i.e. the line role versus a support person / organization (like, Information technology, accounting etc.) … i have worked in IT for 20+ years, and a revenue generating role (generally called as business) will always have an upper hand on IT decisions and power struggles, even though both persons/groups are part of same company, we may work equally hard or harder in some cases; however, it’s natural for business to be in dominating role, especially when IT folk have deaf ears; so i don’t see any problem in it .. as an IT person, the best you could do is build a relationship with your business partner, so he will take your input and call the shots .. some people [wrongly] call it dominance, i called in natural behavior.

here is another example in human relationships: i was returning home late night in my car & was listening to a women on a radio talk show, who mentioned that she is splitting from her husband in a 17 years of relationship because the character (man) was dominating;  she got married young (when she was 16) … & as the talk continued, the lady says, now (after 17 years of bad relationship), she sees her future clearly and wants to go to school, so she can find a teaching job … 

& then i thought, aha …  here are the facts: 

1) she got married young, so never completed her education – who’s fault is that ..?

2) since she never completed her education, she probably didn’t work, or even if she did, she didn’t make much money … whose fault is that ..?

3) but she chose to marry a dominating idiot, likely against the advice of her parents … whose fault is that ..? 

4) she didn’t mention that the guy took care of her, & her needs, while she watched TV all day .. &  in that situation, who you expect to dominate to take some decisions ..?

5) during these 17 years, the man worked like an ass, built a nest, due to the fact that they stayed together, but did he force her to stay ..? 

& now this lady sees him as dominating, as she can easily get the half … she can build a new life with another a**hole, since she got the financial security from the nest & sees the future clearly (although it took 17 years, about 1/3 of active life to discover)

& i said, “well done, lady … you never took any action in your life, but after 17 years, suddenly you have a clear vision and find your husband dominating  ..! “

now you have a plan, let’s go to school, find a job, make some money & find an a**hole, feed him well & dominate him  – a clear & perfect vision ..!  

as i see it, nothing is different than last time, its simply role reversal … as there is always a dominating character in any relationship, which is based on the contribution that you are making.

btw, by no means, i am signifying here that it’s only a women’s issue, the situation could very much be in reverse, where man play a victim’s role  .. i am just quoting a real example, but for sure, there are more women who end up sharing on a talk show, how dominating men are ..!

now onto trading: in a relationship with Ms. Market, she will always have a dominating role, no matter how smart you are .. you may open a trade & wait for something to happen, but she is always in action; hence a dominating player .. market is not forgiving, she will take all NOT just half .. & if you are not ready to accept this is a fact, don’t even think about playing the game …!

have you heard from him/her ..?

as per research conducted by Facebook , on average, a person checks his/her smart phone 150 times a day, a recent addition to human behavior (courtesy: Steve Jobs) … and being a highly conservative person, let me assume that in a worst case scenario, like me, a person checks his/her phone 12 times a day. 

so, a response from a person as immediate (means you are the top priority and have my attention, even though we are talking junk) to 2 hours (Okay, you are my second priority) to 6 hours (i would like to  respond to you, but by the end of the day) and if you haven’t heard from  someone beyond that then either the person is dead or not interested in responding to you .. it’s that simple ..!​​​ 

humans and markets both can’t be motivated … rather find alignment

relationships are best when both parties are aligned, they act at ease, their behavior is natural & they enjoy the journey.

let me start with markets which are much easier to understand … let’s say you buy some security and obviously hope the market/security to go up ..  after you make a purchase, there are two broad scenarios that may happen.

1) if the investments make money;  you look smart  OR 

2) the investment goes down hill; you look stupid.

now let’s analyze each scenario by inverting it — in first case, when your investments make money, it is because your thinking was aligned with market direction; e.g. when market is long, it doesn’t matter what price you buy, you will end up making money … and in second scenario, when you were in opposition, you may try all sorts of strategies, expecting to make money, but no amount of your prayers / hope / options strategy / hedging would help ..  bottom-line, market has her own mind and she would do, whatever she wants to do …  you are either aligned with her or NOT … it’s that simple. 

now let me take a case of human relationship … a human relationship is just like that, when two people are aligned in their head (a technical term is love), everything is fine, and when people are not aligned, no amount of compromise, mediation or other mechanisms would work … any type of materialistic promotion – money, jewelry, perks are all temporary motivational factors, & their effect dies quickly as there will always be someone else who can provide a better option than you … so if you wanna build a real long-term relationship, find people who are aligned with your vision, goals & thoughts early in your relationship building process.